A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!"
"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a F*cker fish"
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.
"Language please! This is God's house," replies the bishop.
"No, no - that's what this fish is called," says the priest.
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f*cker And we could have it for dinner"..
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.
"Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker" says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful, I'll cook that f*cker tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says "You know what?
You c*nts are alright.
:D
;D
LOL mate thats one of my favourite jokes in my repertoire !
Here's one of my other fav's....
There once was a Pastor who had a son in his early twenties.
His son would always go out on a Friday night with his girlfriend to a nearby park.
The Pastor was curious as to what they got upto when they went out, so one Friday night the Pastor got ready early, had his dinner and went to his sons favourite spot in the park and climbed up the large tree nearby.
A little later his son arrived with his girlfriend carrying a blanket and a picnic basket.
They started off with some champagne and nibblies, then moved on to some wine and the main meal.
After a little while they started on some desert along with some port.
(Pastor still "observing")
The pastors son was now feeling quite amorous and started to kiss his girlfriend. After a little while they started to show their love for one another and commenced to "DO THE DEED".
Due to all the alcohol consumed it started to take its affect and strength from the Pastors son when he cried out with all his might....
FATHER FATHER FROM ABOVE, GIVE ME STRENGTH FOR ONE MORE SHOVE!
The pastor heard this and replied...
SON SON DOWN BELOW!
MOVE ASIDE, GIVE YOUR FATHER A GO!
:D
Heres 2 recent ones
1. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry her
2. The spunky blonde just asked me if I prefer legs or breasts. I said I was more into anal....
Apparently this is not an acceptable answer at KFC.........
Quote from: pep105 on September 17, 2009, 09:34:20 PM
The spunky blonde just asked me if I prefer legs or breasts. I said I was more into anal....
Apparently this is not an acceptable answer at KFC.........
Excellent.
More, more!!
A Blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners.
The Asian lady behind the counter thanks her, and says "Come Again".
The Blonde says "No, it's toothpaste this time you nosey bitch"
one day tarzans flying through the jungle and WHACK he hits a tree
4 weeks later he wakes up in hospital just as the doctor walks in
he says doc doc whats happened to my eye
when you hit the tree a stick poked it out so we replaced it with an eagles eye
doc doc what happened to my arm
it got ripped off so we replaced it with a gorillas arm
"then there was a pause"
arr doc my old fella whats happened with my old fella
well tarzan when you him the tree it was badly damaged and beyond repair so we replaced it with an elephants trunk
tarzan says ok i suppose
"doc" look come back in six weeks and let me know how its going
"six weeks later"
so tarzan hows it going
its sort of ok
is the eye giving you trouble
no no its great i can see for miles
is it the arm
no its beaut one arm through the trees could not ask for anything better
ohh the trunk does jane not like it
no she loves it but every time i try to take a piss it rips up a clump of grass and sticks it up my arse
3 office girls, in a lift, notice a stain on the wall.
The redhead says "That looks like semen!"
The brunette sniffs it & says "Smells like it too!"
The blonde licks it & says
"Well its nobody from our office!!"
I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my d!ck' is not an acceptable answer.
John
A naked women is looking in the mirror and comments to her husband
"Im look fat and ugly and I need you to say something complimentary about me"
He replies "you have perfect eyesight"
A blonde goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Fcuk off, you won't bring it back.
A long time ago, a novice monk joins an old devout deeply religious monastery. The elder monk who was showing him around proudly told him that they transcribe all their sacred manuscripts by hand. The novice asked whether that could lead to mistakes being made. The elder thinks about this for a moment and told him that he will go and compare an original holy manuscript with a recently transcribed one. Hours later, a very upset elder exits the library with tears streaming down his face and cries out, "The word is celebrate!"
A girl was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:
Two litres of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A litre of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A kilo pack of coffee beans
A 500g package of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right.
She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said , 'Yes, you are correct .
But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly'.
A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began --
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued -
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
Tony attended his Alfa clubs monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming
annual Innamincka trip because his missus wouldn't let him go.
After copping "the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks" Tony left to go back home to
the missus.
Later when Tony's mates started arriving to set upcamp at Innamincka common the following week,
who should be there but Tony sitting up in front of the Alfa , swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, and
the camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
"Geez how did ya talk ya missus into letting youcome here Tony?" they asked
"I didn't have to," was Tony's reply, "When I left the meeting last week I went home disappointed and
slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Suddenly the missus snuck up behind me
and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'.
"When I peeled her hands back there she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she
said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want."
SO HERE I AM
2 of my favourites:
An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes." Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?" "Sure." So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar and the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes. As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?" The Irishman answers, "I had to go to the pub next door to see if I could do it first."
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition, and from then on, every week the man came in and ordered three beers at a time.
Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bar fell silent, and no-one knew quite what to say.
After a little while the bartender worked up his courage and said to him, "I'm very sorry for your loss."
"What do ye mean?" The man asked.
"Well, you only have two beers going...." The bartender replied.
The man said, "Aye - I've quit drinking!"
An embarassed 18 yr old goes into a chemist to buy some condoms. It happens the girl behind the counter is a fifteen year old trainee.
He goes up to the counter embarrased at having to ask the 15 yr old. He starts, can I have some k..k..k..k..some tweesers, pays for them and walks out.
As he really needs the condoms, he goes back in. He starts, can I have some k..k..k...butter menthols, pays for them and walks out.
As he really really needs the condoms, he goes back in. He starts, can I have some k..k..k.. condoms. The young lady replies, certainly, small, medium, large, eadible, large dolop etc. etc. He selects his condoms, pays for them and leaves.
The Owner, watching from the back, goes to his yound sales lady and says..Rhonda, you know I noticed that that gentlemen came in three times and purchased product before he was happy and left, you know you must learn to sell everything a customer wants in one go otherwise its in-efficient for customers to come in a number of times.
The Owner says, now why do you think he had to come in three times and how do you think you can improve so you can serve customers once?...The 15 yr old girl thinks about it and says "You know what, I don't think this one was my fault, because from what he bought, he came in three times because he was un-decided, he didn't know whether he wanted to "pluck it", "suck it" or "f#&k it"!
I couldn't resist adding this one:
> Confessions of a hooker
>
> A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth
> wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a
> special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession.
>
> Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.
>
> The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes
> and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I
> cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a
> few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'
>
> She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I
> played rugby for New Zealand. . ....
With thanks to Col from the VRA ;D
His and Hers Diary
________________________________________
HER DIARY
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
My Race car wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
Once upon a time, a bloke asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'No!'
And the bloke lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and to the footy with his mates and played golf a lot and drank beer and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia .
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends.
Thank God, I still have my driver's license.
Quote from: Phil Baskett on December 23, 2009, 08:53:44 AM
Once upon a time, a bloke asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'No!'
And the bloke lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and to the footy with his mates and played golf a lot and drank beer and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end
Phil, what about the bit about "mucking around with old Alfas...."
;D
I wouldn't bitch about getting my new mags stollen. Check out what happened to this guy..
I too was distracted by Bingle in the shower! :o
PS Before anyone gets "offended" look before you speak...save you both embarrassing yourselves again. ;)
Man and wife are shopping
Man sticks 12 VB cans in the trolley
Wife 'What do u think your doing?'
Man 'They're on special $ 10 for 12 cans'
Wife 'Put them back. We cant afford it!'
They carry on shopping
Few aisles later, wife picks up $20 jar of face cream, and sticks it in the trolley
Man 'What do you think your doing???'
Wife 'It's face cream, it makes me look beautiful.'
Man 'SO DOES 12 CANS OF VB AND ITS HALF THE FUCKING PRICE!'
I went to the zoo and the only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shitzu.
Really, I was pi..ssed off when I lost the pub quiz by just one point.
The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
Apparently it's Africa . ??? ::) 8) ;D
Wife says to husband;
"shall I slip into something more comfortable to make you smile"
husband replies
"how about a coma"
With thanks to Heather Barbieri ...
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian customs agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro." "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman says, not believing what he is hearing. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law". The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come". "He's a busy with two guys in a Uno".
A man goes duck hunting,during duck season,he stumbles across a wounded duck,and feeling sorry for it,he takes it home and tries to heal it,by putting a bandage over the wound. When he gets home,he enters his bedroom,and finds his wife still in bed,too lazy to get up. So he says "have a look at this pig I have here",his wife replies"that's not a pig it's a duck" he tells his wife" I was'nt talking to you ,I was talking to the duck"
Woman says to her husband, "You only ever want sex when you're drunk"
Husband replies "Thats not true sometimes I want a kebab".
"Good Morning this is Pakistani Radio Sports News.....................
here are tomorrows cricket results.
You know how customers are always right?
Well this fool was right but couldn't figure out why... ??? ??? ???
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection..........but she did.
I hear it's been a bit cold in Mexico lately...Monkeys at the Melbourne zoo are demanding shorts.
SHIT JOKE.......
A chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant
"He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant.
"You f****** idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough with laxatives"
"Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too f***** scared to cough"
An Italian boy's confession
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
;D
One for you daylight savers..
Well, 'daylight saving' had just ended and in the early hours of that morning
Paddy found his dyslectic mate, Seamus, covering his penis with boot polish.
Paddy said, "You idiot - you're supposed to TURN YOUR CLOCK BACK.".............. ;D
Ford has announced plans to acquire French automaker Renault and engineering teams have already joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it as needed.