Its an absolute joke.

[alfagtv100 (Biggus)]

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!"
"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "sorry  father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a F*cker  fish"
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
   
"Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.
"Language please! This is God's house," replies the bishop.
"No, no - that's what this fish is called," says the  priest.
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f*cker  And we could have it for dinner"..
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.

"Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker" says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful, I'll cook that f*cker tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!"
   
The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says "You know what?
You c*nts are alright.

[Mat Francis]

 

[ForzaSab]

LOL mate thats one of my favourite jokes in my repertoire !

Here's one of my other fav's....

There once was a Pastor who had a son in his early twenties.
His son would always go out on a Friday night with his girlfriend to a nearby park.
The Pastor was curious as to what they got upto when they went out, so one Friday night the Pastor got ready early, had his dinner and went to his sons favourite spot in the park and climbed up the large tree nearby.
A little later his son arrived with his girlfriend carrying a blanket and a picnic basket.
They started off with some champagne and nibblies, then moved on to some wine and the main meal.
After a little while they started on some desert along with some port.
(Pastor still "observing")
The pastors son was now feeling quite amorous and started to kiss his girlfriend. After a little while they started to show their love for one another and commenced to "DO THE DEED".
Due to all the alcohol consumed it started to take its affect and strength from the Pastors son when he cried out with all his might....

FATHER FATHER FROM ABOVE, GIVE ME STRENGTH FOR ONE MORE SHOVE!

The pastor heard this and replied...

SON SON DOWN BELOW!
MOVE ASIDE, GIVE YOUR FATHER A GO!

[pep105]

 

Heres 2 recent ones

1. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
   Marry her

2. The spunky blonde just asked me if I prefer legs or breasts. I said I was more into anal....
    Apparently this is not an acceptable answer at KFC.........

[alfagtv100 (Biggus)]

The spunky blonde just asked me if I prefer legs or breasts. I said I was more into anal....
    Apparently this is not an acceptable answer at KFC.........

Excellent.

More, more!!

[JOHN G]

A Blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners.





The Asian lady behind the counter thanks her, and says "Come Again".





The Blonde says "No, it's toothpaste this time you nosey bitch"

[dehne]

one day tarzans flying through the jungle and WHACK he hits a tree
4 weeks later he wakes up in hospital just as the doctor walks in
he says doc doc whats happened to my eye
when you hit the tree a stick poked it out so we replaced it with an eagles eye
doc doc what happened to my arm
it got ripped off so we replaced it with a gorillas arm
"then there was a pause"
arr doc my old fella whats happened with my old fella
well tarzan when you him the tree it was badly damaged and beyond repair so we replaced it with an elephants trunk
tarzan says ok i suppose
"doc" look come back in six weeks and let me know how its going
"six weeks later"
so tarzan hows it going
its sort of ok
is the eye giving you trouble
no no its great i can see for miles
is it the arm
no its beaut one arm through the trees could not ask for anything better
ohh the trunk does jane not like it
no she loves it but every time i try to take a piss it rips up a clump of grass and sticks it up my arse

[pep105]

3 office girls, in a lift, notice a stain on the wall.

The redhead says "That looks like semen!"

The brunette sniffs it & says "Smells like it too!"

The blonde licks it & says

"Well its nobody from our office!!"   

[JOHN G]

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.

One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.


Apparently 'my d!ck' is not an acceptable answer.


John

[meizhak]

A naked women is looking in the mirror and comments to her husband

"Im look fat and ugly and I need you to say something complimentary about me"

He replies "you have perfect eyesight"

[JOHN G]

A blonde goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.


The librarian says; 'Fcuk off, you won't bring it back.

[Victor Lee]

A long time ago, a novice monk joins an old devout deeply religious monastery.  The elder monk who was showing him around proudly told him that they transcribe all their sacred manuscripts by hand.  The novice asked whether that could lead to mistakes being made.  The elder thinks about this for a moment and told him that he will go and compare an original holy manuscript with a recently transcribed one.  Hours later, a very upset elder exits the library with tears streaming down his face and cries out, "The word is celebrate!"

[NigelC]

A girl was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:
Two litres of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A litre of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A kilo pack of coffee beans
A 500g package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right.
She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said , 'Yes, you are correct .
But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly'.

[alfagtv100 (Biggus)]

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!  I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began --
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued -
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[spieret]

Tony attended his Alfa clubs monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming
annual Innamincka trip because his missus wouldn't let him go.
After copping "the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks" Tony left to go back home to
the missus.
Later when Tony's mates started arriving to set upcamp at Innamincka common the following week,
who should be there but Tony sitting up in front of the Alfa , swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, and
the camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
"Geez how did ya talk ya missus into letting youcome here Tony?" they asked
"I didn't have to," was Tony's reply, "When I left the meeting last week I went home disappointed and
slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Suddenly the missus snuck up behind me
and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'.
"When I peeled her hands back there she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she
said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want."

SO HERE I AM